The Question of Cancer

In the last six months or so I have been involved in a clinical trial for a new treatment for lung cancer. I have been feeling good physically.  There are side effects, but nothing I cannot handle.  My struggle is not really with the limitations of this condition called lung cancer.  The shortness of breath that makes me unable to mow my own lawn, and have to depend on others for this.  The constant runny nose which is keeping Kleenex in business and the off and on again cough that is irritating, but not really that rough.

My struggle is with the fact that I am living with cancer- not dying from it and while that is a VERY good thing- I find myself questioning EVERYTHING.

I am not a religious person, but I do believe in something more.  That being said, I do not find solace in whispering sweet nothings to that something more.   I have a supportive family- but families have their own troubles and with me doing well- it helps them as well as me.

I find myself caught in a cycle of ups and downs- sometimes depressed, sometimes just fine- and always, always questioning and seeking out better ways to live with the life that has been gifted to me.


Cancer brings with it many questions- and many of them start with the word, "why".  And where, how, and when.  Something like the outline of a news story that never ends.

Why me?

Why not me?

Where do I go for help?

When .....after all, time is the most crucial factor...